How to Force Your Brain to Relax (Or Not)

One of the most futile, ineffective ways we deal with the problem of insomnia is trying to force our brains to shut down, relax and go to sleep, and when it doesn’t do that, to beat ourselves up about it and get frustrated and angry.

I’ve mentioned often that insomniacs tend to beat themselves up a lot. The reason is simple. What was once a natural process called “falling asleep”, one they never thought much about, has been transformed into an impossible chore, like scaling a 12-foot wall wearing high heels with both hands tied together.

This makes people upset.

Once upset, they try to force their brains to cooperate.

Does this help? If there was a word that described the process of extremely not helping, it would be perfect here.

I call this the “recalcitrant brain syndrome” or RBS for short. It will not get into the DSM anytime soon, but that doesn’t mean it won’t make you feel crazy.

Obviously, telling our brains to “shut up or else” doesn’t work and usually makes things worse. But we keep doing it anyway! It is surprising how often we continue a certain behavior even after it gets no results, or at least no good or helpful results.

Shouting at our own brains seems to be a primarily human trait. You rarely see animals telling themselves how stupid and uncooperative their brains are. Now and then my cat looks mildly annoyed when he misses a jump onto the table and slides off, but it passes quickly. We are the only species that desires something like an “on/off/mute” switch connected to our brains so we can have total control of what we are thinking, how we are feeling and when we go to sleep.

So why do we keep doing it? How do you define this trait? And what is its purpose?

I really don’t have a clue, but I’ll venture to guess. Often we get into a rut of circular thinking and find it difficult to step out of it and say “Wait a minute — is there another way to look at this situation that I haven’t considered yet?” I can’t say with certainty why this is so difficult. But I’m guessing it has something to do the fact that habits are extremely powerful, and when it comes to our inner dialogues, they can become something like an addiction.

It may help to look beyond this wish for self control and see what desires are driving it. Perfectionism, unrealistic expectations, a lack of tolerance for our own weaknesses… all of these and more can lead to the angry insomnia that leaves us feeling desperately tired and tiredly desperate.

If we want real relief from this counterproductive wish to force ourselves to relax, sleep, or even just be quiet and calm, we will have to open ourselves up to new methods, new approaches, new ways of thinking. That is what we are ultimately in search of. Looking at things differently is the foundation of creative problem solving.

What is the first step to dealing with this RBS problem?

Are you surprised that I might recommend cognitive behavioral self-therapy techniques? If so, this must be the first article you’re reading on this site.

The main benefit of doing CBT exercises on a daily basis is, when you deliberately change the inner dialogue and do it repeatedly, you can break that addictive habit and develop a new one that is more helpful and more proactive in solving the problem.

How about the next step?

Of course, the downside is, CBT is not a quick fix, which is what we all really, really, really want.

But like children who find out much to their outrage that they can’t always get the candy or the toy they are pointing at, neither can we, as tired, insomniac adults, always get what we want either. The temptation here is to say “Deal with it!” But that is harsh and critical again, another point at which we need that “not-helping” word.

A much better option is what I call “mindfulness self-empathy” – meaning, sometimes you just have to sit still with your own suffering mind and body and give yourself a chance to feel it in its entirety without fighting against it. Allow yourself to just feel bad for a minute, noticing where in your body this feeling is causing tension and what kind of inner dialogue is running through your mind.

Then you begin to give yourself some reassuring, comforting phrases, such as “It’s OK, I can handle this. It’s not pleasant, but I know it will get better. You will be OK. This will pass.“ THEN you can get out your CBT journal and start writing down some thoughts and responses using your best supportive, rational, compassionate voice. See more here. We need to first become more patient and understanding of our own mental habits… and then start to gently change them using different ways of thinking.

Getting over RBS (recalcitrant brain syndrome) is no easy task. If there were a surgical procedure to install an on/off/mute switch in your brain (using the new “behind the ear” knob that is nearly invisible!) so you’ll never be bothered by frustrating insomnia, hyperarousal symptoms or chattering inner dialogues again, we would all sign up immediately. Who wouldn’t like to press a button and turn off the anxiety, hyperactivity, obsessive worries and addictive circular thinking and feel ourselves fall blissfully into a peaceful slumber?

As an aside, now we know why sleeping medication is such a profitable market to pharmaceutical companies. It is the only thing that can come close to the switch… at least until it stops working or gives us unpleasant side effects and the uncomfortable feeling of psychological dependency, when we must rely on a tiny pill to get something that is supposed to be entirely natural to us.

But seeing that the fantasy brain-button we want so very much is not available to us, we must muddle along the best we can, trudging away with CBT exercises or whatever else might help… until we finally realize that there is no point to this whole RBS anyway, and why don’t we just give ourselves a break now and then?

Try it yourself and see how it works.